A look back...and why are we so lonely?
reflections on Break Bread Together and the power of connection
Yesterday I received a text from a friend reminding me that today is the three year anniversary of the launch of my first book, Break Bread Together. Truth be told, this was a shocking revelation. Was it just three years ago? But, yes, its true. In the midst of lockdowns and pandemics and uprisings, I released a book about the loneliness epidemic and the importance of true friendships in our lives. The timing is almost comical. In addition, as lonely as we felt in 2020, we feel lonelier today. The epidemic has expanded, as epidemics do when left untreated.
All this to say, if you are feeling especially lonely these days, you are not alone.
I have found I am teaching more and more from Break Bread Together lately. We are longing to make sense of all this loneliness. I thought it would be fun to reflect on a few of these teachings over the next week or so. Its a wonderful way to honor the work that began this writing journey but more importantly I think there is help and a way forward through the loneliness.
There is a theory of community connection that I have found to be very helpful in understanding how I relate to others. It is mentioned as an aside in the Introduction of Break Bread Together and turns out it may be the most helpful and important information shared in the book. (Side note: ALWAYS read the introduction/preface/authors note because that is where we hide the good stuff.) In the introduction I share about the four key aspects of community connection that we all need. There are four ways we are designed to connect with community1: public, social, personal and intimate. (thank you to the editors who make our work better by casually say things like, “maybe this book or article will be helpful” all the while they just handed over a nugget of gold and therefore make us look far smarter than we actually are come publication.)
Here is an excerpt from the intro of Break Bread Together:
Public is the largest space where we feel part of a larger group of people, such as college, a larger church or a great concert. Social is the space where we are interacting and connecting on a surface level with hundred of people. This is most often experience today in social media, but you can also find this sphere at your child’s school, or maybe a workplace. Personal is the space of friendship. Here you interact deeply with ten (or less) people. You are known and seen. Intimate is the chosen few such as a spouse, a best friend. Most people only have one or two intimate connections in a lifetime.
Within our culture we excel at the public and social space. We find identity and community within large groups and surface-level interactions. Yet we are lonely.
We are lonely because the place with the most transformative connections (Personal) is the place we have collectively neglected. This explains why we leave our social media engagement feeling worse. We are seeking personal connection in a social sphere. We maximize the connections that have the minimal transformation.
One of the many hard things about the pandemic is not just that it eliminated means of connection, but it more importantly exposed the lack of depth we have in our personal spheres. Rather than press into that, we held our breath and waited for things to “return to normal.” The issue here isn’t the existence or use of the public or social means of connecting. Look at any of the videos of an Eras Tour concert, it is evident that those thousands of people are having an experience as a community. The issue becomes when we rely on public and social connections to fully satisfy our need for community. That is simply not how we are made.
Truth is we don’t do personal connection well as a culture. Settling in to who those people are is the main content of the book, and too much to delve into in any number of articles. But it feels important to note this: it is not something you find. It is not a job to do or a job you are failing at because you haven’t looked hard enough-this is the dangerous conclusion of the notion of finding your people. And here is the good news, its just not how it is.
Perhaps knowing where to connect and with whom while also having some language to wrap around the loneliness may help. Those big group experiences they create connection, the coffee shop chatter creates connection. Such connections are different than the deep stuff found in connecting with a few, though. And, we are designed for them all.
The neuropsychology of it is fascinating. But the even better part? This is how Jesus developed community...all four ways listed here. It’s good stuff because it’s his.
Have you considered the means of connection like this before? What might this change for you? What questions does this bring up?
You can pickup my latest book Life Surrendered or Break Bread Together:
Available wherever books are sold: Amazon | Leafwood
This comes from The Search to Belong by Joseph Myers
I bought two copies of your book to read with my mentor Donna. It was an excellent vehicle to allow us to become more familiar with each other while discussing our thoughts recorded for us.
Thank you for helping us cultivate a strong connection.
I’ve never read the importance of connection articulated so clearly.